Monday, August 10, 2015

The Heart, Chemistry and What Not!

Why does the stars stop shining when it falls under the shadow of another planet? Isn't the star brighter and mightier than the planet that cast the shadow? Why does human life with innumerable possibilities and aspirations seems to collapse with the eclipse? Why does the human heart suffer from pangs of grief when the star in life is eclipsed?
What is love? The un-conditional acceptance of a person as part of ones life and feeling happy with the mere assurance of the presence of that person in your life till the cold hands of slumber, comes searching for you. But if love is the unconditional acceptance, then why can’t man accept the loved one un-conditionally. Without any riders and without any condition, has anyone ever truly accepted another as part of them? If marriages are the fulfilment of love, why is it that men brawls out in the public, when things go adrift? If family is about trust and love, why does married men seek the comfort of strange women, when their wives are there at home? What prompts a bachelor to seek comfort in a married woman and attain the peak of bliss in her presence, when he is well aware that her soul belongs to another? I have no clue nor do I have a ray of hope in understanding the chemistries of human heart.
Men believe that love is from the soul, un-corrupted and unconditional. But when the glitter of the infatuation, fades with the passage of time, cobwebs starts to grow on the love. When the sun has stopped shining and things are seen in the grey of darkness, man  realizes that his love has always had the riders. The riders change the feeling of bliss in love to an unacceptable baggage for the other to pull throughout the life.
For the family, the image of the man exist in the way the family wishes it to be construed. For the woman the man loves with his riders, he is the cold iron knotted on her ankle which pulled her down, to the bottom of the ocean, where no sunlight and life ever exist. From the cradle where one gets born to the coffin, he is finally put to rest in, he is always almost alone. Family, a friend, a lover, all exists but none joins you in the cradle of birth and neither do they join you in the deadly hallows. They promise to hold your hand through the rough seas and assures you that, nothing will pry open the grip of their fist on your heart.
Can an average man stay alone and never seek companionship / attention / the feeling of being wanted? Can he always bask in the bliss of solitude? Would he not for even a moment crave to be let known that some other soul on earth lives happily because he is existing? Co-travellers blesses man with their valuable time and advice, but then leaves him when the crossroads of fate looms upon them. The moment, the fellow travellers bid adieu, doesn’t the heart feel the grief that he never belonged in the companions dreams.
Some paths when treaded alone, makes one comprehend how meaningless the promises that were made before. Solitude is a blessing and a curse at the same time. Blessing because, it makes one be the best of friends with himself. A curse because, solitude embarks one on a path of feeling left alone and not warranted by a single soul on earth and the purpose of existence itself seems lost in between the path.
When does a man truly die? When his body stops functioning or when there exists not a single person on earth, who seeks him? Some people even though dead scores of years back, still exist and physical death seems to be joke for them. If nothing else, physical death has only made them larger than they were in real, while they existed. Some people though very much alive as on now, are deader than the dead. They don’t exist even in the heart of another single soul, so as to qualify them as living.
Why is it that reason has no reason to be present while the heart does the thinking? The chemistry of human heart defies all logic and sets course on a journey which adheres to no reason. Even at the time when heart crashes and the logic of brain drives it inside, that this was bound to happen, why does the man fall prey to grief and anguish? Can’t he learn to trust his brain and not his heart to make decisions and follow suit? Alas the chemistries behind human thoughts, of the heart and the brain, defies the mans comprehension.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Resignation Mail


It has been a great experience being part of the XXXXX company and working with you all. The learning experience and sense of belonging was great, but now having completed 15 months with XXXXXX, through nagging health-problems, I feel the imminent urge to take decisive steps about my future.

I was hired as xxxxxx and was happy with the kind of work that was handed over to me initially and I believe I did do a good job with those assignments. But of late, I am not personally happy at the end of the day, because many a time the assignments that I get to do, lacks the intellectual challenge I expect.

Further, my family is against my continuation of employment at a far away city from home as age is catching up with my parents. Since my job is not bringing me happiness, I think it will be better for me, my family and also for the Company that I resign my position with XXXXXXX. I personally feel I am a misfit into the corporate lattice, with too many not-important people in the real sense sprawled all across over above and below me. I feel the urge to have a little space for my self and XXXXX has failed to provide me with that.

Please accept this mail as my resignation notice. I would like to quit immediately, but if the company feels that I should serve the two months notice period, then I will be happy to oblige and follow the formal resignation procedure.

Regards & Thanks,
September 25, 2011

(NB : I couldn't stop myself from laughing after reading the last resignation mail I send and no wonder they dispensed off with my notice period! )

Monday, April 15, 2013

Is that all I am to you woman ?

I cry out your name, you don't hear me.
I shout your name with the last lungful, 
You brush the fallen hair off your forehead.
Is that all I am to you woman?
Unruly hair which slipped down on your graceful forehead?

I look at you with longing eyes, you look everywhere but at me.
I long for the day, when our gazes meet.
My silhouette is just a speck you avoid on your lens.
Is that all I am to you woman?
a speck on your lens that you always avoid?

I touched your fingers in the crowded street,
believing you would identify the fire, your thoughts kindled in me.
You turned around and gave alms to the urchins with a kiss.
Is that all I am to you woman?
a street urchin begging for your love as alms?

Alas, I wish!
I could be all that.
The fallen hair, the dot on the lens,
the street urchin you gave alms with a kiss.
I realize I am the least blessed; coz for you
I am just a stranger you walked by today in the crowd!

Picture Courtesy: Saramma Panicker, (a friend who drew the pencil sketch and posted it in her fb account and I felt shameless enough to use it without telling her. So thought about keeping this note for her )

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

pursuit of 'SOMETHING'

I stare into myself and see a big black wall, beyond which my gaze fail to reach. The little ventures to identify myself, in this world have not lead me anyplace. After all the twists and turns, the highs and the lows, I still stay at the same plane, pursuing the same trail I had once tread. I feel lost in understanding myself, lost in deciphering my place in this world. I am unsure, about what I need in life, uncertain of the purpose of my existence.

There is a void which has haunted me, from the time I care to remember. A void, which I know exist, but am not sure, what is to fill it and complete me. I have tried many a thing, to fill the emptiness in me; the slumber of alcohol, warmth of woman, the tenderness in love, the peace in wilderness. But, alas everything failed and the emptiness still prevails.

There is something that is missing in my life! Something more which is required to make me feel complete, feel whole and feel alive. But the "something" never surfaces and I still stand as clueless, as it was ten years back, solving the puzzle of "something". The romantic in me assures, it is the wait for the "better half" and boy, quite a long eventful wait, it really has been and not all the events cherished!

I stand helpless, I stand in grief, I stand in anguish, pondering about my state of affairs. The jealous mistress I am living with, soothes the edges, by cramping for time and making the conscious not think. But how much ever I try and maintain tranquility, the emptiness comes out bubbling, over all those things like the mistress and the home, which I keep over the void, to superficially fill me.

On this pursuit of something, I still am geared up, chests held high and chin tight. I wipe the white trail of salt from my cheek and look up to the stars and shouts at Mr God, the creator, "You are a fallacy, a farce and I do not fear you! I want to feel complete and the pursuit of wholeness is where I will find my happiness in"

Saturday, July 21, 2012

On Marriages

The new smart-phones in the market seldom gets bought in a moments decision, men read the reviews online or checks with a friend, who already has got a model by a specific company. The pro's and cons gets arrayed and then the tracker is possessed in exchange for a lot of green bills. Most acts by men from selecting a restaurant for a special dinner to planning retirement, 'caution' or rather 'diligent thought' precedes the act. The scenes that gets unfolded in the Court-rooms post marriage makes me wonder do we humans, puts forth diligent thought, when we get to the time of choosing a partner to share life with. The difference that it would bring forth to the space you always had for yourself, the aura around you, which seldom gave away for anyone.

Speaking with my aunt, living separated from her spouse, about the pending litigation  between them, I asked her, "Did you ever think about marriage, like one of the most important decisions in life, with the pros and cons arrayed? and then went ahead and got married?" She tells me, "No. I don't think so. Everyone was getting married and I could also do with a companion of my own and start a family like everyone else" She then wanted to know, what would be the pros and cons in a marriage?

Like the way you and I think before buying a laptop or a mobile phone, whether we should get an apple or a sony wio or a dell. Like the way we compare the features on blackberry with the i phone and then together compare both with the samsung note, on naaptol.

In the silence of my room, I try form a list of things that would be altered within the individual after the holy vows. In the normal circumstances, man gains companionship, safe and easy sex and  a chance to start a new family of his own. In healthy circumstances, the companionship grows over a period of time reaching heights, which could not be scaled by any other relation. The honey-moon never lasts for ever, and  days gets turned to weeks and months and almost nil by old age, the number of times you indulged in the act called sex, or rather 'love-making' since it is within the permissible chain of matrimony and we are thinking of a scenario when 'him' and 'her' wants it. The sense of belonging to a family, a close knit group of individuals, who loves each other almost like themselves, is another thing a man gets by taking the vows.

The cons too are not left far behind! I would say in a marriage between the smart phone users (i meant more evolved humans and has nothing against smartphone), there is a 80 - 20 ratio between the marriage being "the bliss" and it being "not exactly a blissful experience". Marriage is more or less like a voyage, exploring the blue and loving it, but then the waters are not always calm. The first question into my mind is, do I want to take a chance? The odds are in favor, but still is companionship and sex favored by me more than solitude. Not loneliness, but solitude, when the man is at peace with himself. Most humans loves solitude, some identifies it, some do not. The love of solitude can easily be traced to the love for 'thyself'. One can deny it, but none could hide it from themselves that humans love himself almost always the most in the world.

Do I want to take up responsibility for other beings? My partner, the kids that gets born, the extended family which becomes mine, do I have it in me to be responsible towards the others on the voyage? The person will have to adjust, make accommodations, blend and evolve, to keep the harmony uninterrupted. While a single driftwood can always think about his floating and his interest over and above everyone else and be honest about it.

I have heard some married friends of mine swear when the watch gets to a particular hour, because it is the time for them to get home. Not because they don't love their wives or have a troublesome married life, but because they were enjoying what they were doing and for some time more would love continue doing that like us, the bachelors. But the responsibility towards a good wife waiting for him, makes him leave and he swears just cause of that. There is no ill will against her, but a grief about the bygone solitude!

If only people thought of what changes would marriage bring to the person he is and the space around him. Take the decision for or against getting married, willingly taking the risks on the personal front. It would have been so better a voyage for them who walk the corridors of courthouses, stuck in litigation, fighting shamelessly before other prying eyes, with the person you on someday shared the bed and shared yourself.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Kamasutra by Vatsyayana - in the curriculam !!

The book with old yellow pages looked appealing from a distance, the brown leather gave the feel of class from an era all together different. It was on the shelve written "erotica", with a few flashier cousins around, in a crowded book store. "Kamasutra" written in black with golden emboss over the brown leather and giving the viewer a sense of excitement behind its knotted leather. A book describing in graphic language, about the idealist's three quest, artha, dharma and kaama and teaching the reader, some ways to indulge in the act with a difference, making the matrimonial relation stronger. It talks a little about everything, from whom to indulge with, to different modes to do it. Surprisingly, the book talks about the physical relation with ones own wife, the virtue-st and the best.

If books in school are about, imparting knowledge to the next generation, making them wise from the stage of being naive, then, the knowledge about sex, is as much important as any other act. If physics and maths, history and politics, language and art, all find place in the pages of textbooks, then sex too shouldn't be left behind. Sexual education in schools shouldn't be about the virtue of not doing the act or the rough outlines like, wife and husband copulate, men leaves his sperm inside the woman. The sperm fuses with the ovum and a kid gets born. It could be best said to a child entering into teenage, while explaining the differences that is going to happen in his/her body, not to a teenager midway through the teenage.

He should be taught how it is done and to be considerate; he should be taught, that ones climax is no climax unless his partner reaches there as well. He ought to know the act, at least as a paper of theory and decide what to do for himself, to wait for matrimony or enjoy the ride at the pre-marital stage itself. Kamasutra as part of the syllabus in the eleventh standard would teach a midway teenager, a lot about the act, its charm and its curse from a social perspective.

The title evokes a feeling of hypocritical repulsion in most middle aged folks, who has a kid about teenage or ripening into adulthood. They are hypocrites, because their faces contract with the title, but they themselves indulged in the act once up on a time or maybe even the last night and being the hypocrite wouldn't want their children capable of reproducing, read a book on it. But in this age, with every teenager with means, having access to hardware and internet, wouldn't the parents like them to know about the act from a book than what strangers have left in the web.

Getting to know how it is done, is inevitable and I seriously doubt there been one woman or man who got married in the last one year, without knowing how it is done. Maybe some might have watched porn, maybe asked a friend or the mother gave a lecture, but inevitably, almost everyone knew and the knowledge is so very little and incomplete. The pattern usually is for the lady to stare at the fan, and then the male shares the honor in staring the fan, repeating the scenes with the fan over and over again, year after year.

None could blame me if I say, the reason behind infidelity among married couples is the lack of charm in sex. The average statistics of women who had an orgasm in real with the husband, keeps hovering about a 50 percent all the time in those weird surveys that magazines like Cosmopolitan keeps publishing. Surprisingly men have not been lacking in this regard to the best of everyone's knowledge. Considering the fact that men are usually more quicker to have an orgasm than women, there actually lies no surprise that men do catch a share of fun, even if the wife doesn't. The act is so sensuous to be dealt callously, it sure is the reason behind creation from nothing, of a life. It should be cherished by both the members and not considered insignificant, for the act with the right person is one of the most beautiful feelings a man / woman could ever feel.

Kamasutra is no erotic literature, it tells one how to make love or rather widen the options in doing it and gives a forth of morality in the goodness of making love to ones wife. People have so wrong a misconception about the book and its goodness, and should either read the pdf version linked in the beginning or check this from the flipkart. Maybe a few pages about kissing or about pleasing the other, could rekindle ones relation with his/her wife / husband and bring forth a new season of spring.


The row about syllabus, about including 'whom' and excluding 'whom else' from the textbooks which gets distributed to tomorrows citizens, or rather nation builders, speaking in the spirit of a nation. There been many a debate about Marx and Engels losing their place, from the text books from Calcutta. Then one gets to wonder, even if they are removed from the history texts, wouldn't Marx and Engels find appearance in the political science and economics text books? Or will they get removed from all the places they have marked, the places they have left a dent and made a difference, in a good way or bad.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Class Photograph and thoughts on friendship !!

A class mate posted this photograph, taken on the last day of school and tagged us all on face book. The expected jubilant comments about how sweet it was of her to have posted the class photograph, after 10 years, soon surfaced one after the other below the picture and like everyone, I too hit on the 'like' button next to the picture and added a comment as well, as expected in the accepted social etiquette related with posting in social networking sites.

The memories of school is filled with loads of sweat and white shirts turned dusty brown, after the game. The memoirs have sweet innocent looking girls in their teens with the double pleated pig tails and a lot more. Lying content after a hearty meal on a Sunday Sabbath,  these thoughts makes a vivid platform to drift to sleep. The sweetness and the innocence of age in the thoughts of school, would make one forget the hard lines of toil on his hands and the aging wrinkles on forehead.

I was friends with them once, but I cant't say that all are still my friends. I spend 12 years sitting with them in the same classroom and shared many a meal, sweat, gossip and event together, but despite the 12 years, apart from a very few, I don't think none are my friends today. Acquaintances, that is the best I can label them. But, ask me truly and I would suggest even that is a generous label, a Gucci spread on a street urchin.

A handful from the picture still remains my closest friends, and the others the distant familiar faces, whom I have no longing to know any more. Meeting a school mate, couple of years back, surprisingly on train, I had my pulses rising, an excitement which I couldn't name. But after 5 minutes, where we tried know what the other been up to, I was in search of ideas to change my seats to a different compartment. The expression my companion had, flashed his heart, which beat to the same rhythm that mine beat, of being 'STUCK'.

I talked about this excitement and the stuck feeling to my closest friends and everyone had a similar story of being excited to meet an old friend from school and in a matter of moments, feel stuck, and with the toes, searched for a way into the heart of the earth to escape. Conversation dries up, much faster than the traffic that rushes out when the signal turns green, leaving the constable the lonely one standing. Some tales of accomplishments becomes so painful to hear, that you end up drinking a pint of vodka bottoms up, as if searching for the sticker on the bottle bottom that announces you as the winner of this years vodka sweepstakes.

School and its people stays the best as memories, for the corrupt heart, knows the sweet ones to cherish and the bad ones to fade. If I hadn't ever met that guy on train, he would have been always remembered as the guy who bowled fast while playing cricket. His dreams must have been the same, way back in school and conversations with him, must have appealed dull to me back then as well, but the great healer time made sure those tiny cracks of dislike never appeared on my thoughts about him, if I had ever remembered him before bumping into him by accident. The bump ensured, I would try hide in the train's loo the nest time I meet him and if my guess is not false he might dive beneath the seat, the moment he sees my face get into the same compartment as him.

Maybe growing more old, I might like the prospect of meeting friends from school, but for now, I can't fathom to stand a day with all of them around and having to be nice to all, though I spend 12 years of mine just doing that and it has been 10 years since they all stopped being a part of my life. Maybe, it is just me and the anti social in me, who hates these social unions or maybe there are many like me, who wouldn't want to meet anybody, just because they studied in the same school or attended the same college or had some history, which designated them as friends. Maybe there are people who would rather be with just 2 or 3 friends instead of the fifty and the history, and stand up and speak honest and say, "your celebrations and griefs are not going to make me smile nor shed a tear, just like mine is not going to make you feel" !!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

broken dreams

She drove ahead, glued to the white lines on tarmac,
no sweeping glances filled her eyes with his lanky frame.
His heart was laden, heavy with the weight of loss,
the loss of innocence, which made him feel alive.

Dreams woven in thinnest silk, of being together as man and woman,
dreams of a future untold , with kids playing in the backyard pool.

First the pool gave way and later the backyard,
the kids and wife followed soon after.
He was a driftwood again, forsaking his love, searching the mighty blue,
to fill the emptiness he felt every morning he opened his eyes.

Clutching the dreams to her cold bosom, to be the woman and not just one,
in search of her own reasons to live, rather than be a wave in the driftwood's sail.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

in the name of GOD

A friend the other day commented, "Jesus was a bastard. If you believe the Bible, then he is born outside wedlock." He knew, I was a Christian, and I might feel offended, but then the big mouth didn't shut up. I didn't feel, I had to defend Jesus's stature and he could easily do without me, as much as with me, on that issue about parentage and and no-one else did feel the need to defend, far less even pursue, the conversation was stubbed by silence.

Driving back home, I felt that the comment my friend made, topped among the worst I heard in a long time, inconsiderate and ill-informed. I could have easily rallied back or the other Christian in the group and name a dozen Hindu Gods or God's generally, who are just as much as a bastard, that Christ is. And it could have made the others more uncomfortable, phew !

They are called God's for no-reason, they have a different world than ours and things happen differently there. If all they did, was live like you and me, the average screw, then they would not be the GODS. God's have the heaven and all God's could do wonders (correct me if, I am wrong), from raising the dead to transforming ones shape, to the tiniest weeniest magic. Now when it is about them that we are speaking the immaculate conception doesn't seem much a wonder considering the prowess they have with creating from void.

People never realizes the thin borders surrounding religion, which shouldn't be crossed, lines beyond which, if the topic is not intellectual in nature with a proper argument, could be outright offensive to even silent indifferent folks believing in a certain God. I hope I wouldn't be wrong in saying every religion talks about the state of affairs after the breath ceases, and prescribes a way of life, to get there to the state and it is popularly based on how you spend your time while in the skin of man. And it is not nuclear science that the prescribed "way of life" can easily be led by each individual without burdening the other's way of life. But, then that is seldom practiced.

But then, for the masses, religion is not just a way of life, to lead on to the other world, if there ever be one. Religion is the show of strength in numbers and the devotees fighting the war for the Gods. If ever there be, a question as to , the most popular, or the supreme; I feel Gods for sure are better equipped than us, with all the powers and divine conceptions. Starting from the ancient times, from the time the concept of God existed in human minds and it varied, the fight for the spread of religion was also on. The fighters were promised the happiest 'state of affairs' after death; but then wouldn't the great one be contradicting himself if that is true.

Every religious book would for sure have a line about loving one another and then how could the same one, give an exception clause like the laws of the land, which starts with "Notwithstanding anything contained in any other....." The same God, talks about peace and its virtues and then with fingers pointed at the words in the fine print, bending them to suit their desires, they justify all the acts done in the progress of religion. If this be true, then that God is the biggest fallacy, for he was never a God ever, he wasn't the creator and he isn't the one who governs you after you are dead.

But being true, the religious riots of late is not even about the supremacy of the god, but rather revenge. If the Gujarath Chief Minister, could quote Newton's third law in reply to the press while asked about the 2002 Gujarat Riots, then that is all revenge and nothing done in the God's service, who preaches about love.

Religion brings in a feeling of belonging to the individual, and he finds security in the numbers. He have people to talk to about his ideas of God and many a time have them so drastically change that they end up believing fidayeen is the easiest way to be right beside God. After the true believers for sure there are the cowards who commits the murder and rape, for he believes in not just serving the God, but himself as well.

If only, men were a little more wise instead of being brave and loyal, a lot of blood shed, would have been avoided. If only people practiced what religion preached, rather than try show their strength in numbers or clout, many a history darkened with blood stains could have been different. If only, people like my friend, restrained their mouth from making inappropriate religious comments, many a mosque / church / synagogue or any temple of worship, as Rand would have said, would still be standing.

Friday, April 20, 2012


Watching my grandfather sit on his chair and pass time, bored and yet helpless, waiting for the needles on clock to come to a certain hour, for the arrival of some people, is a scene in my house on almost all days. He sits waiting for us to come back home, to share with him the events of the day and make his life eventful. It is the poor old mans wait to share the life of the young, to make his life have a tiny shade of color. But then, the figure waiting is not given the whole time once we are home, for we have our own jobs to finish at home as well.

His marriage, lasted 58 years, before grandma died and now he is left to live in memories alone. He some times talks about their marriage, when around 25, a friend found a suitable proposal for him and after many a formality he got married. Sharing life ever since then and being there to watch each others back, till an year ago,there wasn't a world, without her, for him. She was his, through the smiles and the pain and its been a union, from as far his old memory could easily recollect.

Grandma was on bed with arthritis, moving with the aid of a walker or if the weather was good, with a walking stick, for more than a decade and it was his tireless devotion, which made her walk at least that much. A loving dedicated husband,and a good father, but with the old age and its toll, there is so little a world for him to exist in now.

A peaceful existence with family and news and events and being involved for 85 years and finally to a big silence now. Grand mom was the talker, the one who had a 100 questions to ask or share and grandpa the listener. Now with the speaker gone, there is no sound for this old man to listen to throughout the day and he doesn't fancy listening to the new FM stations as well.

I can close my eyes and easily recollect my childhood spend with him. He always had the time, to answer my questions and always had some work with me involved in it. He held my hand while crossing the road, waited for me in the railway station, solved my queries about farm animals, taught me the roads, bought me a hundred rubber balls, is now just confined to his easy chair and the walk to the church and grave every morning.

I was filled with shame, for no reason, while I was making him evening tea the other day. The tea turned out to be horrible, yet he had it with no complaint, asking me about a friend of mine. I asked him "what do you want to do? Start a small farm and spend time the agrarian way? travel a bit and go through places, you have once been to? See the changes time have brought in? Live in different cities and meet new people?" He smiles at me and says, "I am just happy like this, sitting with you."

I look at him and I can in a way feel myself as a kid all over again, sitting in wait for him, for my adventures to begin. Being a kid, I wasn't left to venture out myself, but then with him around, the world had a new bigger dimension. The huge pond near the temple, the small tea shop near the main road, which served 'chaai' and 'pazham porri' (Banana fry and I hope Melange doesn't find my translation ridiculous), the lake on the left side of the Edapalli Railway Station, every place I went to, near the home I lived as a child, was holding his hand. And now he sits, waiting for me to share my life with his. Waiting for the rubber balls, with what I could brighten and bounce his days.

I take him out to meet his younger sister living about 50 miles away and he sits in the front seat, like a child, fascinated or maybe struck by the change that has struck and the pace with which change is marching on relentlessly. He tells me many a tale about some of the places, we pass by, places he have lived, places he been to, places which had his friends, most of whom, who doesn't remain any longer. While we drive back, he looks at me and tells, "since you were there, the day had wings."
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