Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Trading Romance for a Bean !!

After an eventful weekend, with loads of adrenalin and fun, I noticed the faint glimpse of a smile on my face, reflected on the almost too dark, rear-view mirror of the auto-rickshaw. Spirits high I sail into my apartment and my friend updates me about the things I missed in Hyderabad; nothing much though, office, work, the new boss in town, more ass-kissing (I prefer to call it ass-licking) and all other mundane things. I listened to him, giving him my view about a thing or two and he mentions about spending the weekend with another colleague and the new boss over a drink. HHmm I thought. Then I knew, he was not practicing the skill about which I was talking earlier, cause right now he has got far more superior priorities in life and tenure with Deloitte don't seems to be right on top of the list.

And then he tells me about my ex- and says she flirting with a friend of mine in office and  he adds, it seems she doing it with couple of others as well. Now in the world of 'ex's, I am not sure what to call this one, maybe my ex-romantic inclination, the last one I had. Now our proximity and how life shaped out is an altogether different context and the updates I heard about her made me feel happy. "Boy wow..Someone did follow the lessons I taught her about mobile phones and instant messenger flirting and flings. She using our phrases to good use with others it seems", I felt glad and replied back, "Good for her. At-least now that is one girl less to be bothered about." I felt honestly good. I had walked out on her, being the arrogant son of a bit#h. She bored me with mundane things and I showed her the road. "I have not been following my bible and the ten commandments all that close, so she too should be free to do what ever she felt like", I always knew it when people spoke about my ex- interests in life.

Standing under the shower, washing away the road on me from the weekend, I was feeling disturbed. Seemed as though I been burdened, nothing like choking for air or struggling for breath kind of feeling, but a little disturbance, a thought that is going across some place back in the mind or maybe the heart, I aint sure. I realized, it had everything to do with my 'ex-romantic inclination' and I felt even more disturbed with this realization.

I thought about it all the time under shower and tried dig the reason behind the sudden heaviness I felt. "Am i still possessive about her? No, I am not. I aint that kind. Still have fondness left? Not really. Not this one definitely, because I had my biggest relief, the day I showed her the door. Would I have been disturbed, if it was the news about her marriage? Naah. That would have been like an icing on the relief. Then what on mother earth am I feeling? Why am I disturbed? I dunno." I hit the wall but had few suggestions though; could be, I felt responsible for her venture into the world of romance and flirting and sleepovers and felt she trading on waters she aint sure of or maybe it was just a pang of possessiveness, after all and nothing to get scared of.

Then a thought dawned, it is a matter of existence for her, she needs to get a man, she badly needs to be married, a question of survival. I was feeling bad for her because it was me who shattered all her fabulous dreams of marriage and children. Life was all settled for her and she was trying to drag me in to the settlement, as the chieftain and I definitely had other plans and forced her to find someone else to start her dream with.

I cannot do anything much to restore her dream and hope her ventures brings her success eventually. My part with her is over and she will have to do what ever it takes to corner someone and settle into marriage. HHHmmmmm..My bum was hurting, sitting on the floor. A bean would be a nice thing to sit on and not my ex-. So, off i went in the summer heat, on an impulse to buy a bean bag. I rode around town and finally got one back to my apartment tied behind my bike.

Another shower later, with a glass of good booze by the side, sitting on the bean, watching the news in background and writing this, I definitely know, the trade was worth it. I feel more attached to the bean and not a person, though an ex-, she is.

9 comments:

  1. Hey joe.. nice one man.. interesting food for thought...
    Isnt it always strange that you can always convince yourself that u are over an ex and then when u hear that shes shacking up with someone else.. theres always this range of conflicting emotions..which really cant be described.. it isnt sadness or pangs of agony or anything.. hell it is a relief if anything.. but these emotions do turn up on hearing the news only to disappear later..

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  2. trading the ex love for a bean bag is what i loved the best.it is not that hard to figure out what exactly troubles you when you have thought it out with a calm mind. the fact that you beat the heat just to get the bag, is commendable. m proud of you.

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  3. PRK@ very true bro. The time i was writing this, the feeling didnt exist, but before that it was all disturbing.

    Shyama@ my bum was genuinely hurting and I thought of attending to matters at hand rather than an ex-. The comfort of ma bum seemed more appealing..

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  4. First time here. Interesting thoughts.

    There is always that twitch when thinking about your ex; how much ever you may want to deny. Trading a bean seems to be a practical option :) Your myriad of thoughts - well described.

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  5. This is the first time here. And one particular comment , which says :" No comment....." is quite interesting. ha ha.Wonder, why?

    In any case I feel that the thoughts you bore are interesting. Makes sense too doesn't it? And as B said the twitch is there, and I feel it is a pleasurable twitch!

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  6. Anil@ the comment which says 'no comments' is from one of my oldest friends in life..we both had the hots for the same gal when 13 and thankfully the gal never became so very important to fight.. i think for one, man is a noble-savage and for the other, he is a beast..so the differences still exists b/w us... ex-inclinations a taboo for him..while i feel its my ex-inclinations which made ma life richer.. i feel sad about it, cry about it, laugh about it...but at the end dont want anything to do without it.. :)

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  7. i've been musing a lot on the intricacies of intimacy lately with a couple of failed love affairs under my belt...i think even though we may not like the person as much as the last love, there is a piece of ourselves that we have given to them that has made us vulnerable..Hence it is self-love or selfishness that would be cause for the feelings of fear or fright...dunno..it's just a thought..and PRK certainly has pt. 2..nothing like hearing gossip abt an ex to make u relive it all over again

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  8. MIss @ now dat u mentioned about the self love, i think that is a very interesting thought..the disturbance i felt could been a fear i sensed knowing about the intimacy of an ex with another friend..maybe secrets to be revealed..maybe the part u shared with her might be put on display..true that these were one of the factors responsible or could have been responsible..

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