Wednesday, August 3, 2011

dotted, flavored or ribbed ??

A week back, the status message on a friends profile in facebook read, "the government should change its emblem from the  Ashoka Chakra to a condom, because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance…! A condom allows for inflation ,halts production, protects  a  bunch  of  dicks  and gives a sense of security while you are actually being screwed", it was said to have been from Amartya Sen's blog. I found the quote hilarious and couldn't help make sounds similar to that of a hyena in office, attracting curious glares.

Call it the twist of destiny and I had another condom incident in the evening, when I went to get pills to kill the three week old virus fiddling with my sinus. A couple they seemed to me, she had the splash of vermilion on forehead and mehendi  on hands and he looked groomed, licked and cleaned and laundered, an appearance men generally seem to possess at the very initial days in a matrimony. They were standing right at the counter the contraceptives were kept, but since it was locked, they didn't want to call the pharmacist and open it. It was close to midnight and I felt they did really want it, but felt embarrassed to ask. The guy looked at me and he knew, I knew what they wanted and he had his eyes out, asking me to open the drawer for him.

The time, the bill was being made, I said, "please get me a packet of condoms." I said it loud, for the couple to hear and the contraceptive counter was opened, the pharmacist looked indifferently at me and asked, "dotted, flavored or ribbed?" It didn't really matter and I just got the cheapest rubber around. Thankfully, the guy picked the cue and he asked for it as well and pharmacist gave him his rubber. Standing at the counter, the guy had a smile on his face, a thanks in his eyes and I walked out from the pharmacy.

Ten foots into the cold night and the heavens opened up, and I traced back my steps. It was a good half kilometer to my apartment and I was sure to get wet, if I ventured out, but then the rain didn't seem to stop. I tore the aluminum wrapper of the condom, took my mobile and rolled the condom over my phone and knotted the end.

I didn't want my phone to get wet, and the little ghat travel experience I have and my trysts with rain has taught me, condom actually is a travelers best friend. Not because, they could go on a sex odyssey, but because, if there are some things you didn't want to get wet, like the mobile phone or the wallet or anything about 5 inches in diameter and about 10 inches in length could be kept protected in the latex.

I slipped the phone back into my boxers and started jogging, thinking about my trysts with the latex. Yeah I have always almost carried it, ever since reading the Harold Robins book "a stone for danny fisher", when 15. Though the condoms were put to their 'real purpose of manufacture', as the mba grads with whom I work might prefer call it, at a very later stage in life, I always felt it very handy after I opened one and checked it. I had bought it hidden in the huge list of groceries and supplies I bought from a retail store.

Time has flown by, the shades of black  has some grays appearing, the huge supplies list is no longer there, I bought a packet of condoms, to make it easier for somebody else to ask for it. I felt like a good Samaritan!! Condoms and a good Samaritan, weird patterns of thoughts, I know.Hope the church is not going to excommunicate me, crying blasphemy.

Opening the door to my apartment, I shouted aloud to myself "dotted, flavored or ribbed??" I wish, if only people spoke about contraceptives, sex and everything under the stars, like the way the pharmacist said, crisp and clear, so many uncanny beasts could have been kept at bay. Alas, but yet we all prefer the comfort of  silence and feed the beasts with the chunkiest piece of our days.


  1. Da patti... Evideda ente Danny Fisher?

  2. Ha , that is a funny stuff. And cant agree more that when your screwed it really dosen't matter if it is ribbed, flavoured or know not what. Because my odyssey with that piece of rubber has gone by.

    As for the church, I guess they must distribute the latex free after every Sunday mass or at least keep a vending machine in the church.

    The taboo, the hush , the guilt the Church created and maintains around sex is in fact screwing the flock with no end. If the deed is so blasphemous and sinful , animal kingdom is full of sinners ( yes in fact that is what they make out - the church).I guess God must decree that all living things procreate through parthenogenesis , and he with the wave of his wand make us all forget about what sex is and what it is to get screwed. That will though , miserably throw the condom manufacturers out of business. Economically will that be sustainable???????

    And now you have also revealed an ingenuous idea, condoms can save cell phones from getting wet as they always do with the many other. Ha thanks

  3. Da Patti, where is my Danny Fisher?

  4. Most prefer to buy condoms from super market along with other groceries. Its easy - dont have to ask anybody; pick it up and throw it in your shopping cart. It gets billed along with everything else. I vividly remember an incident when a Muslim man of 50s promptly dropped a box of condoms in his shopping car and people around had a surprised look. For 2 reasons it seemed - he was 'old' enough to be using them and he belonged to a religion which lacks sex education.

    It feels nice to see responsible people.

    The incident was hilarious. If only folks as those young couple were comfortable with asking for a condom clear and loud!

  5. lucky mobile phone....did you ask it if it preffered dotted or ribbed?....some real good smaritan you are....but next time let the other guy muster up his guts, or u will keep saving his manhood...:P

  6. What happened to my earlier comment?

    What stuck me most in the post is the last scene, you opening the doors to an empty house... Ousu, guess it is time you started buying Condoms for the purpose it is meant for- I mean, the one society accepts!

  7. it is a valid concern, wish this taboo did not exist where one has to be too careful of what the person next to him thinks. you indeed did a good thing bob by helping that fellow out.
    and yeah useful advice about using the rubber for its non intended purposes, thanks :)


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