Monday, October 31, 2011

on God


I tell Amma, "that is bull-shit. If God exist, and he possess all the powers you so truly believe in, then he is the world's biggest fraud or else the biggest pervert". If he exist and he was truly the good as you believe, then why the misery in man's life. Why the poverty, why the famine, why the earthquake and why on earth rape, murder and pedophiles?

Man is just a form of life on earth. A planet, revolving around the Sun, in not all that the biggest of galaxies called Milky Way. Every night, when you look up to the stars, you are looking back into the time, when even your forefathers wouldn't have existed. The light that you see shining, must have had began its travel from its source, even before you breathed the first time. How could you ever be sure, life doesn't exist, any place else.

 How can you believe, in the existence of such a form as the Bible says, with all the goodness and not a single bad and yet find it hard to accommodate the 6.97 living with all this space around. If God was the wisest of all and perhaps the shrewdest, like our blue form of almighty as the Mahabharata sketches, couldn't he in all his wisdom, reined the 6.97 to happiness. Oh, I am sorry, at this context we are dealing with Gods more selfish than humans. And now, if Quran is to be believed, it existed ever since universe existed and why this failure from almighty, to use all that experience in wiping away the tears from human faces. Religion and religious books, both are just a farce. And God, the biggest of all.

Amma couldn't stand more blasphemy on a single go, straight after her Sunday mass, while fixing up the breakfast for her son. She was stuck for words and she knew, any line by her and I would grip on to it and cause more blasphemy to emerge from her extended kitchen, which haven't been heard for almost two years now. Guess, she felt it to much of a curse to invite on a Sunday morning and the her only words were, "get the tray with coffee mugs to the dining table, I will get the plates."

Breakfast gave way to more coffee and a sumptuous lunch. For the afternoon siesta, I walk down to Granpas place, couple of hundred meters away. Lie on his easy chair and listening to him speak about childhood and his curious inquiries on my one week with themis. He sits up-straight, as if he remembered  something serious and in all possibilities, I thought must be to call up some old lawyer friend of his and get me acquainted, he says, "We need to go see Ammachi, not now, couple of hours later. The candle we burn for her has made a mess and we have to clean it. It is all souls day, day after tomorrow. She would prefer her things to be clean and not just illuminated every evening."

Lost for words, all I manage to tell him back, "I will pick you at 5 and we will attend the mass as well." Stephen Hawkins and universe and logic and reason, nothing comes to my rescue, nor does God.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

standing in line to be a lover of themis!!

A week is over since I became a lover of Themis, adorning the black robe, lying for my chance to try feel her. There are other lovers about, a lot many of them. A good number much well versed in pleasing her, forget about feeling, but even gets to make love with her. That is a long way to go!!

7 days, it only took, God almighty to make the world from nothing and also catch up a nap. 7 days, lying in wait, feeling more confused than I have ever felt before. In 7 days boards have come up, courtesy of Appa, days have become longer and nights shorter. Lips never had time to think about spirits, and the first night, my first day into the profession, celebrated with just a beer by friends, and I was not the one drinking !!

I been trying my share, wanting to understand the rhythm her heart beats, read and then re-read, because, every thing seems to be her weak spots. A long plunge, and here I am wikipying 'themis'. She seems as divergent as the names of 'lady justice' in the Wikipedia link. Wow, boy now that is quite a list !!

The first client, I haven't yet met. The first pay I received!! Who did ever say, being an Advocate doesn't pay you when you are a tiny weeny baby? Honest friends, who know each others strengths and weaknesses, you could definitely live. People call it a rare breed to friend!! But then, I guess I am blessed in that way.

Themis do have the shadows, patches which lacks charm. Quoting what went to my scribble-pad more than not just a couple of time, will make me the fastest lawyer to get punished for contempt of court!!, But that is one thing I will be blogging about soon, irrespective of contempt of court.

Monday, October 17, 2011

'er up to... nothing "

I sat, facing the backwater, couple of nights back when the moon sure looked whole, near to the High Court of Kerala, Kochi. I am on a visit to the High Court, the third time this week. Not during the day, wearing a lawyers gown, but at night, when almost the whole of Kochi goes to sleep. And boy my city sure sleeps early, 10 PM and everyone would be locked inside their homes. Even the three police constables, in front of the High Court looked sleepy, locked inside their glass chamber at the gate.

I have been living quite well these past few days at home. Though 'gyaan' to my little cousin sister, the plates after dinner, utility bill payments and some reading, made sure I never got time to make a visit like all lawyers, during the day-light. I had wanted to have a look again at many a place, I remember from the nights around here. Meet the friends, eat the chips and throw the dart! The smell of whiskey has been around on all three nights, but I don't care about drinking, nor 'not drinking' is bothering me. Have a life to design and wanted the start to be crystal and not slurred.

My biological clock still feels, it is a sin to quit by 12 and wake up early. The time, almost everyone sleeps in my city, I drive about. Wishing not to wake up 'tired' yet again, when it is noon the next day. But, then I would prefer the street lights and a lungs full of the air from outside, than tossing and rolling about on the bed. Awaiting sleep. There is a bridge to be built with the IST and the biological clock, a lot of things to begin and a few to end. But then right now, I feel lazy and would happily answer back to the question, 'what you up to in life?' with  'er up to nothing', with a shy grin  :)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

3 boxes and 3 bags


My days at "B2, Nehru Residency, Post Office Lane, Cyberabad 500081", long 18 months of them, were labelled and marked, in 3 boxes and 3 bags. This was all what was accompanying me back home with the bike, on a Volvo 9400.

There was the initial bliss in my own Platinum Debit Card and an eventual much denied Credit Card; which made sure, I got back home, not with an extra penny than for my immediate relocation needs here in Cochin. Now then, what is Appa and Amma for? Live in the home, they made. Eat the food, that they worked for. Wear things for which they paid !! 

The boxes are yet to be thrown out after arranging the contents, to the satisfaction of my obsessive disorder with cleanliness. The 3 boxes and bags are still against the wall, beside my old chair. And I sat imparting gyaan to my little cousin sister, "Never bring home, any dirt, in the form of substance and people !!" She nods her head, but her face says, "yeah yeah, see who is speaking."

I tell her, I did keep the substance and people away, baring when the substance was inside me and I knew, I would behave and not embarrass myself. The couple of times, I have been let down, has been cause of some friend and never myself, at home. Her stare lingered an extra while, and asked the question, "what about the time, couple of months back, when you got drunk alone on a whole bottle and took a leak on the settee in the common room, in the middle of night, with uncle and aunty watching the whole scene, because they were not yet done with their prayers!! I heard they did not interrupt and let you go back to sleep after the act, but did ask you to clean it yourself in the morning?"

Boy wow, I sure need to unpack the 3 boxes and 3 bags from Hyderabad !!

((NB: The picture posted was after the wild 48 hours in Hyderabad, with rum and rum and rum. I couldn't stand up to move from the frame, when Visakh wanted to take a picture of me ready to leave. This was the only picture, I have got of my bags and boxes. And the little one in the front, the orange one, was my 'tool-kit', with the chillums and the cork openers and many a brother of theirs. It didn't make its way back home with me. And yup, you could ignore the 'me' wearing the glasses, because of blood shot eyes, with a clueless smile in the picture ))

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Emancipation - naah not at all



Friday night watching me browse through the sports news at leisure, my room mate proclaimed removing his shoes at the door, "Free at last, Free at last, Thank God Almighty I'm Free at last!" (Martin Luther King, the famous head behind the lines, courtesy of my room mates frenzy for  wiki and google). For a moment I thought he was talking something about his life, and the quote was repeated again, looking at me. I smiled, shrugged it and went back to my television browsing.

It was after the last day in office and I was sitting jobless, literally, happy and mesmerised in the world of television. I would have gotten embarrassed, if someone had thrown a farewell thing for me, swiftly and efficiently I vanished after the formalities of handling over Firm provided gadgets. By the time anyone had any cue about my plans, I walked out. I couldn't stand another one of those days, when people speak about me, good and I stand in the centre turning pink with all the attention. Tongue tied because of the false goodness people would be forced to speak, to be politically correct.The truth is so very different, because I know my 15 months with the firm.

The Firm did try its best to keep me on the payroll, was supportive of many a thing. It shut its eyes to the nonsense I bring about, because they did think about me as a good resource. It was the mongrel, who kept barking to be unleashed and stray into the streets, because I was bored of the crumbs. It was not the Firm, nor the people what made me decide, but more the work and the city. I couldn't imagine myself, bald in another 10 years time, sitting with the lap top and pretending to be important. I feel the need to take a bigger bite of the world and that is how it went.

Luther's "Free at last, Free at last, Thank God Almighty I'm Free at last!" had everything different about it.

I am just going back home today, from a vacation for the lack of a better word. Start with life, for a bigger share of it. The one and half years in Hyderabad, wrapped in 3 boxes and 3 bags, labeled and addressed, set to travel with me in the bus, thanks to Telangana. I know that is one thing, I preferred to keep silent for the fear of hurting fellow beings sensitive areas. Lack of sense, the gift of good education, which I found missing from a huge number here and the emotional un-stability, which helped in making this big new circus in town, where the TRS and Congress and everyone else is performing at.

The list 'to do' is waiting at home, on the dining table, under the mug of black coffee that I know Amma will leave for me on almost all days. From paying the vehicle insurance premium online, to speak with my cousins faculty in her college, the list wouldn't end, but I guess the black advocates board that Appa and Amma have put up on the gate, the day I said my bags are packed, is definitely worth doing the 'to do list' for Amma.

Guess, Visakh was right in saying Luther's line to me - ""Free at last, Free at last, Thank God Almighty I'm Free at last!"

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

the choices of October

The 'dry day' in respect to Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi's birth anniversary on October 2nd have ensured in the recent past years that I wish my Amma on her birthday not slurred with spirits, but bright eyed and fully conscious. I didn't call her in the middle of the night, messaged her and went in search for a midnight buffet, when Gandhi's birthday got over and my Amma's started, the greys of Telangana soaps hanging about in every other corner.

The sober October wind on my face, and I thought about the gifts I have never managed to give her on the birthday. When it gets to gifts, it usually never  is the occasion, but the need which determines the time. But then, I have managed to always get done something, she likes, on her day, though the news not always shared with her. 

It was on an October 3rd that I decided not to adorn my lips with the spirit for 2 years to come. My lips sure never tasted the spirits for well over 2 years. A not so great functioning lever couldn't make me do it, but yeah a decision while taking shower in the morning on her birthday, ensured the much needed break. It was never a resolution, it was a decision, a choice as I prefer to say. I chose not to have the golden liquid make its way down my throat for the next two years.

It is the same day I said adieu to my last serious romance exactly one year ago, showing her the exit door from my life. She cramped me and it felt suffocating, the ideas she had about life, I couldn't stand it any longer and the exit door was shown, mercilessly amidst feminine arsenal of tears, which makes not the single difference to me. I think about women as equals, responsible just as much as a man, for every act and deed. If I hadn't shown the door to the romance, she would have been a part of my family, burdening the most loved people in my life with her tantrums. Some people are not worthy, cause for them, family is where you go for the vacations and parents are just beings who gets your material requisites for you. You love them cause they are the only people you have who wouldn't ask to repay back for the things they have given. I don't get back to my family for the vacation, but life, because it surely is with them that I truly live. That was another choice made on the same day and probably the wisest choice of last year :)
 
Yesterday night, a talk with some important people in office brought about  the biggest smile I had this whole year. I am being let off with a 'no hire back' clause, either this Friday or the next !! The resignation mail, which was the first mail I typed and saved in drafts, on the same day I joined, which underwent many a revision in these past 15 months, was finally mailed to the important people who matters. I didn't care about being politically correct in my mail, but to be honest. Burning the bridge, making sure no one bothers to be in touch with me other than the ones I feel worthy. Probably the bluntness upfront on my resignation mail made sure the firm decided to get done with the notice period and see my back asap, as they say it over here. The excitement for it to be the Friday, the day I pack my belongings in a box and walk out to a little more meaningful life than just credit card bills made sure I was over the phone sharing it with Amma just before the clock stuck 12. A choice she been waiting to hear :)
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